August Update

So it's been over a month since I posted. I honestly don't know where August went to, it just flew by and I think it's because we were so busy. 

We moved into our new house on the 12th and I've been spending ever free moment unpacking and decorating. It's still not completely done after a full month but it's getting close, we will probably do a house warming party sometime at the end of this month or in October. 

I also changed jobs. I moved to a salon in Winder which is about 45 mins from my last job. It's booth rental so I'm having to spend a lot out of pocket right now but hoping I build fast. I miss my clients and friends at my last salon but the environment is more positive and less drama which is what I was looking for after the stressful year I've had. 

I know that's not much of an update but it's what I've got for know. I always think of great things to post and write about as I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep (cause that's how my brain works). I need to take a day off work where I'm not cleaning and doing laundry all day and really focus some time on this blog.

Doctors Appointments

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment on the 2nd and my 2 week post op appointment on the 3rd. 

Post op went well, He said that my scars where healing nicely. I addressed my concern with some possible swelling and tenderness. He assured me that it was still early and as long as I continued with my medicine, light duty at work, and watched my diet and alcohol consumption I'd be fine.

Ob appointment also went well. Of course she asked how I was doing physically and mentally. I'm still down my 25+ lbs from the pregnancy and loss and now another 5+ from the surgery, so about 30 total. Emotionally I'm doing the same, I have my good days and my bad. I let her know my cycles still hadn't returned, so we again discussed Clomid but for now we decided to wait 6 months. She gave us the go ahead to start ttc again and not waiting the 2 cycles she originally said which I'm happy about and so is the hubs. She wants me back in 6 months but hopefully it will be before then.

 We then got to go out of town for the 4th of July to visit some friends in Chattanooga and after 6 weeks finally got to spend some "quality" time together.

*Update*  My cycle did return on the 11th. I think I'm one of the few women who were happy about getting their period, while its not the outcome I wanted, it does give me a started point to base off of. And I'm pretty sure I ovulated on the 28th, so fingers crossed.

Another hard day

Sunday was a hard day but I expected to be. See we had to attend my brother in law and his wife's baby shower. From the moment I found out about it (which was only 2 days before) I was anxious, I knew it would bring up a lot of emotions. After church and lunch we still had to go by a gift. From the moment I walked in the baby store I was nervous. After we printed out the register and started to walk down the aisle I felt on overwhelming emotion and just started to break down. L was very understanding and supportive and offered to take me back home but I knew I had to get through it because we still had to go to the shower later that afternoon. I just tried to concentrate on the girl stuff. I couldn't even make eye contact with L or look at the boys stuff. 

I didn't really leave L side from the moment we arrived at the shower. It honestly helped that I didn't know a whole lot of people there, no one to feel pity for me or ask how I was doing. I pretty much just kept to myself, watched the guys play pool and only came inside when they were opening presents but even then I just stayed in the back with L.

At this point I don't know if I'll ever be able to see baby boy stuff without crying or go to a shower for a friend and not be an emotional mess. I have a good friend in Chattanooga who is due a week after I was and is having a boy, I guess that will be my test of whether I can handle myself. 

Life After Loss

To say it's been a hard month is an understatement. Some days I just sit and think about everything I've lost and other days I get through okay but he is always in the back of my mind. 

I was out of work from the 24-30. I went back on Saturday the 31st, I kinda kept to myself, so happy that not a lot of people knew what had happened.

The 1st was hard because that's the day we were going to have gender reveal party.

That Friday the 6th I went out to dinner with some girlfriends for my birthday. We had Mexican and I had my first drink since March, it was really nice but kinda bittersweet honestly.

On Saturday, my birthday, I had an early meeting at work,  I then had the rest day off. L and I went to Ren Fest for the day. He bought me some jewelry

  and D (who we ended up meeting up with) got me a beautiful hand thrown pot. (pics don't do either of them justice)
That night I finally got to go swimming for the first time at C&A's and had almost a whole bottle of wine.

Sunday the 8th was PR's last service at BFUMC. I of course cried, that man has been a big part of me and L's life/relationship for the past 9yrs.

On the 12th I woke up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my back and chest/rib area, I've had this pain before and never thought anything of it because I usually just end up going back to sleep and it's gone in the morning but it never went away. I ended up leaving work early that day. That night I went to the ER but ended up leaving before they bought me back cause the pain started to go away.

Saturday the 14th I went to Urgent Care after work because the pain had not gone away and I now had headaches and a low grade temp. They took blood and urine and sent them off for testing and in the mean time sent me home with pain medicine. (which did nothing)

On Wednesday the18th I went to meet my friend T at a new local farmers market that just opened and as I was walking in got a call from the urgent care doctor to have me come back in for testing. I went and had coffee with another friend and stopped into work. Finally around 3 pm I went to UC and they sent me to the ER to run some test and get an ultrasound.

taking seflies in the ER

I honestly thought I'd be in and out but they ended up admitting me to have my gallbladder removed. I stayed the night Wednesday and Thursday (because they originally told me I'd have it Thursday) and then Friday morning around 8 am I went in for surgery. I don't remember much, just L being with me in Pre-Op and then the lights and gas mask in the OR, them trying to wake me up in recovery. My parents and L were waiting for me in my room when they brought me back up. I remember trying to move from the gurney to my bed, I was in so much pain. I stayed one more night in the hospital because they pain medicine wasn't really working. I finally got to go home around 12 on Saturday. I was out of work again from the 19th til the 30th.

On the 24th two of my aunts were in town and came over to my parents house. We some how got on the topic of babies and I told them what happened to us. Later that evening we took them to M&J's new house and I realized it was the first time I had been there since the night we lost Charles, exactly 1 month later. 

2 Week Postpartum Docotors Appointment

Today was my first post op appointment with my Ob-Gyn. I felt like I waited forever in the exam room, I think I read every sign on the walls at least 10 times. She of course asked me how I was doing physically and mentally. I never know exactly how to answer that. 

 Physically - I'm okay, I've got very little cramping and occasionally spotting 10 days out. I'm down 5lbs but then again I lost 20 through the pregnancy. I'm still wearing my maternity work pants cause my stomach is still a little bloated and let's be honest they're comfy. I've had a little breast tenderness and some milk come in, but that has past. So physically is almost like nothing ever happened.

Now emotionally it's completely different. I have my good days and bad, and even in my good days I have bad moments. There are no words to describe what it's like to be so beyond happy one day and feel completely empty the next. I have dealt with depression in my past so I know what it feels like, and while I do feel down, I don't think I'm going back down that dark path. Because of my amazing God, husband, family and friends I have the strength and courage I never had before. 

So of course the dreaded question was asked... What's the next step? 

We definitely want to started trying again right away. And luckily my doctor is on bored with that. She wants us to wait 4 weeks total til we can have sex again ( so only 2 more weeks) and 2 cycles til we start ttc. While I wish we didn't have to wait almost 3 months I know it's what is best. She's upping my folic acid (which should help with future complications) and I'm starting back my metformin and continuing my prenatal and juice plus. She did mention started Clomid if my cycles don't return regularly. So in the mean time I am just going to eat healthy and exercise (maybe I can drop a few more pounds)  

We did get the pathology back today and they don't think it was a chromosomal issue, just something that happened, which is good news but doesn't give us any closer. Because we decided to only send cord to pathology and have the baby cremated, we didn't get a full report. 

 My next appointment is July 2, 4 weeks away. I will update y'all then!

The Worst Day

This post might get a little tmi/ graphic for some but this is my word for word account of what happened. 

Friday May 23rd, we went to dinner with a friend.  We left the restaurant around 9pm, we had stopped at QT and I went in to use the bathroom. I can't really describe what happened but I felt like something was wrong. I had a rather big clot come out and immediately started bleeding. As this was not my first time having this issue I didn't think to much of it just knew I needed to get home and lay down. 

We dropped our friend off at her house, drove to my parents to pick up my bag cause we were staying at my sisters that weekend while she was out of town. When we got to my sisters around 10 I got ready for bed and laid down. At this point I was still bleeding and was starting to get some slight pain, which was new, I never had pain with the last two episodes. I ended up falling asleep for a bit but woke L up at 12, I had bleed through the pad I was wearing and the pain was worse. I knew it was time to go to the ER.

May 24th 2014 

As we drove to the ER I called my Ob's office and the night operator called the on call doctor. Once we got to the hospital at 12:45 am, L dropped me off at the front door and I went to check in. I don't remember how long we waited til they actually got me a room, I just know it felt like forever and the pain just kept getting worse. I remember telling L that they would come and go and felt like what I thought a contraction might feel like.

Once they got me back into the room, they took blood and urine, then after I told the nurse what all had happened and how I was feeling they took my back for an ultrasound. L wasn't allowed with me and it was really scarey cause I had no clue what was going on.

After the ultrasound they wheeled me back into my room for I don't know how long and then came to get me to do a pelvic exam. At this point every time I had a contraction instead of blood it was now a more pinkish watery substance that came out. (we did determine later that this was actually my "water" that had broke sometime after my ultrasound)
My nurse and original doctor went to go get another doctor, as I waited that's when I found out that my ultrasound looked normal so they couldn't figure out what was going on. When the second doctor came she noticed what I believe she said was membrane and immediately said I needed to get up to Labor and Delivery and they called my Ob.

I remember going back into my room and L looked at me 
and I just shook my head and started to cry. 

At 4:18am I gave birth to our precious baby boy with just me and Liridon in the room.

We were in L&D for less than 30 mins when I gave birth.
Most of it is a blur now but I remember being in the worst pain I have ever been in, the nurses asking me questions and trying to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler.
It was sudden and fast and painful, they came in and took him away, and I just laid there crying.



 I feel the most broken I have ever felt in my life. To have the one thing in the world you want more than anything taken from you at such an early and unexpected time. I don't wish this pain on anyone. I know deep in my heart that as the days go on the pain will be less and less but right now as I sit here in my moms office at 2:30 in the morning typing this with tears rolling down my face and the sound of my husband sleeping in the next room. I welcome the pain cause I don't know how else to feel.

Charles Grant Hajrizi I love you more than you'll ever know. I know our time together was short but I wouldn't change those 19 weeks for anything in this world. Mommy and Daddy love you Monkey.