Another hard day

Sunday was a hard day but I expected to be. See we had to attend my brother in law and his wife's baby shower. From the moment I found out about it (which was only 2 days before) I was anxious, I knew it would bring up a lot of emotions. After church and lunch we still had to go by a gift. From the moment I walked in the baby store I was nervous. After we printed out the register and started to walk down the aisle I felt on overwhelming emotion and just started to break down. L was very understanding and supportive and offered to take me back home but I knew I had to get through it because we still had to go to the shower later that afternoon. I just tried to concentrate on the girl stuff. I couldn't even make eye contact with L or look at the boys stuff. 

I didn't really leave L side from the moment we arrived at the shower. It honestly helped that I didn't know a whole lot of people there, no one to feel pity for me or ask how I was doing. I pretty much just kept to myself, watched the guys play pool and only came inside when they were opening presents but even then I just stayed in the back with L.

At this point I don't know if I'll ever be able to see baby boy stuff without crying or go to a shower for a friend and not be an emotional mess. I have a good friend in Chattanooga who is due a week after I was and is having a boy, I guess that will be my test of whether I can handle myself. 

The Worst Day

This post might get a little tmi/ graphic for some but this is my word for word account of what happened. 

Friday May 23rd, we went to dinner with a friend.  We left the restaurant around 9pm, we had stopped at QT and I went in to use the bathroom. I can't really describe what happened but I felt like something was wrong. I had a rather big clot come out and immediately started bleeding. As this was not my first time having this issue I didn't think to much of it just knew I needed to get home and lay down. 

We dropped our friend off at her house, drove to my parents to pick up my bag cause we were staying at my sisters that weekend while she was out of town. When we got to my sisters around 10 I got ready for bed and laid down. At this point I was still bleeding and was starting to get some slight pain, which was new, I never had pain with the last two episodes. I ended up falling asleep for a bit but woke L up at 12, I had bleed through the pad I was wearing and the pain was worse. I knew it was time to go to the ER.

May 24th 2014 

As we drove to the ER I called my Ob's office and the night operator called the on call doctor. Once we got to the hospital at 12:45 am, L dropped me off at the front door and I went to check in. I don't remember how long we waited til they actually got me a room, I just know it felt like forever and the pain just kept getting worse. I remember telling L that they would come and go and felt like what I thought a contraction might feel like.

Once they got me back into the room, they took blood and urine, then after I told the nurse what all had happened and how I was feeling they took my back for an ultrasound. L wasn't allowed with me and it was really scarey cause I had no clue what was going on.

After the ultrasound they wheeled me back into my room for I don't know how long and then came to get me to do a pelvic exam. At this point every time I had a contraction instead of blood it was now a more pinkish watery substance that came out. (we did determine later that this was actually my "water" that had broke sometime after my ultrasound)
My nurse and original doctor went to go get another doctor, as I waited that's when I found out that my ultrasound looked normal so they couldn't figure out what was going on. When the second doctor came she noticed what I believe she said was membrane and immediately said I needed to get up to Labor and Delivery and they called my Ob.

I remember going back into my room and L looked at me 
and I just shook my head and started to cry. 

At 4:18am I gave birth to our precious baby boy with just me and Liridon in the room.

We were in L&D for less than 30 mins when I gave birth.
Most of it is a blur now but I remember being in the worst pain I have ever been in, the nurses asking me questions and trying to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler.
It was sudden and fast and painful, they came in and took him away, and I just laid there crying.



 I feel the most broken I have ever felt in my life. To have the one thing in the world you want more than anything taken from you at such an early and unexpected time. I don't wish this pain on anyone. I know deep in my heart that as the days go on the pain will be less and less but right now as I sit here in my moms office at 2:30 in the morning typing this with tears rolling down my face and the sound of my husband sleeping in the next room. I welcome the pain cause I don't know how else to feel.

Charles Grant Hajrizi I love you more than you'll ever know. I know our time together was short but I wouldn't change those 19 weeks for anything in this world. Mommy and Daddy love you Monkey.