Friday, September 12, 2014

August Update

So it's been over a month since I posted. I honestly don't know where August went to, it just flew by and I think it's because we were so busy. 

We moved into our new house on the 12th and I've been spending ever free moment unpacking and decorating. It's still not completely done after a full month but it's getting close, we will probably do a house warming party sometime at the end of this month or in October. 

I also changed jobs. I moved to a salon in Winder which is about 45 mins from my last job. It's booth rental so I'm having to spend a lot out of pocket right now but hoping I build fast. I miss my clients and friends at my last salon but the environment is more positive and less drama which is what I was looking for after the stressful year I've had. 

I know that's not much of an update but it's what I've got for know. I always think of great things to post and write about as I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep (cause that's how my brain works). I need to take a day off work where I'm not cleaning and doing laundry all day and really focus some time on this blog.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014


When do you stop following your passion and doing what you love
 cause its time to grow up and pay the bills?

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Doctors Appointments

I had my 6 week postpartum appointment on the 2nd and my 2 week post op appointment on the 3rd. 

Post op went well, He said that my scars where healing nicely. I addressed my concern with some possible swelling and tenderness. He assured me that it was still early and as long as I continued with my medicine, light duty at work, and watched my diet and alcohol consumption I'd be fine.

Ob appointment also went well. Of course she asked how I was doing physically and mentally. I'm still down my 25+ lbs from the pregnancy and loss and now another 5+ from the surgery, so about 30 total. Emotionally I'm doing the same, I have my good days and my bad. I let her know my cycles still hadn't returned, so we again discussed Clomid but for now we decided to wait 6 months. She gave us the go ahead to start ttc again and not waiting the 2 cycles she originally said which I'm happy about and so is the hubs. She wants me back in 6 months but hopefully it will be before then.

 We then got to go out of town for the 4th of July to visit some friends in Chattanooga and after 6 weeks finally got to spend some "quality" time together.

*Update*  My cycle did return on the 11th. I think I'm one of the few women who were happy about getting their period, while its not the outcome I wanted, it does give me a started point to base off of. And I'm pretty sure I ovulated on the 28th, so fingers crossed.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Another hard day

Sunday was a hard day but I expected to be. See we had to attend my brother in law and his wife's baby shower. From the moment I found out about it (which was only 2 days before) I was anxious, I knew it would bring up a lot of emotions. After church and lunch we still had to go by a gift. From the moment I walked in the baby store I was nervous. After we printed out the register and started to walk down the aisle I felt on overwhelming emotion and just started to break down. L was very understanding and supportive and offered to take me back home but I knew I had to get through it because we still had to go to the shower later that afternoon. I just tried to concentrate on the girl stuff. I couldn't even make eye contact with L or look at the boys stuff. 

I didn't really leave L side from the moment we arrived at the shower. It honestly helped that I didn't know a whole lot of people there, no one to feel pity for me or ask how I was doing. I pretty much just kept to myself, watched the guys play pool and only came inside when they were opening presents but even then I just stayed in the back with L.
At this point I don't know if I'll ever be able to see baby boy stuff without crying or go to a shower for a friend and not be an emotional mess. I have a good friend in Chattanooga who is due a week after I was and is having a boy, I guess that will be my test of whether I can handle myself. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Life After Loss

To say it's been a hard month is an understatement. Some days I just sit and think about everything I've lost and other days I get through okay but he is always in the back of my mind. 

I was out of work from the 24-30. I went back on Saturday the 31st, I kinda kept to myself, so happy that not a lot of people knew what had happened.

The 1st was hard because that's the day we were going to have gender reveal party.
That Friday the 6th I went out to dinner with some girlfriends for my birthday. We had Mexican and I had my first drink since March, it was really nice but kinda bittersweet honestly.
On Saturday, my birthday, I had an early meeting at work,  I then had the rest day off. L and I went to Ren Fest for the day. He bought me some jewelry
  and D (who we ended up meeting up with) got me a beautiful hand thrown pot. (pics don't do either of them justice)
That night I finally got to go swimming for the first time at C&A's and had almost a whole bottle of wine.
Sunday the 8th was PR's last service at BFUMC. I of course cried, that man has been a big part of me and L's life/relationship for the past 9yrs.
On the 12th I woke up in the middle of the night with a sharp pain in my back and chest/rib area, I've had this pain before and never thought anything of it because I usually just end up going back to sleep and it's gone in the morning but it never went away. I ended up leaving work early that day. That night I went to the ER but ended up leaving before they bought me back cause the pain started to go away.
Saturday the 14th I went to Urgent Care after work because the pain had not gone away and I now had headaches and a low grade temp. They took blood and urine and sent them off for testing and in the mean time sent me home with pain medicine. (which did nothing)
On Wednesday the18th I went to meet my friend T at a new local farmers market that just opened and as I was walking in got a call from the urgent care doctor to have me come back in for testing. I went and had coffee with another friend and stopped into work. Finally around 3 pm I went to UC and they sent me to the ER to run some test and get an ultrasound.
taking seflies in the ER
I honestly thought I'd be in and out but they ended up admitting me to have my gallbladder removed. I stayed the night Wednesday and Thursday (because they originally told me I'd have it Thursday) and then Friday morning around 8 am I went in for surgery. I don't remember much, just L being with me in Pre-Op and then the lights and gas mask in the OR, them trying to wake me up in recovery. My parents and L were waiting for me in my room when they brought me back up. I remember trying to move from the gurney to my bed, I was in so much pain. I stayed one more night in the hospital because they pain medicine wasn't really working. I finally got to go home around 12 on Saturday. I was out of work again from the 19th til the 30th.

On the 24th two of my aunts were in town and came over to my parents house. We some how got on the topic of babies and I told them what happened to us. Later that evening we took them to M&J's new house and I realized it was the first time I had been there since the night we lost Charles, exactly 1 month later. 

Monday, June 2, 2014

2 Week Postpartum Docotors Appointment

Today was my first post op appointment with my Ob-Gyn. I felt like I waited forever in the exam room, I think I read every sign on the walls at least 10 times. She of course asked me how I was doing physically and mentally. I never know exactly how to answer that. 

 Physically - I'm okay, I've got very little cramping and occasionally spotting 10 days out. I'm down 5lbs but then again I lost 20 through the pregnancy. I'm still wearing my maternity work pants cause my stomach is still a little bloated and let's be honest they're comfy. I've had a little breast tenderness and some milk come in, but that has past. So physically is almost like nothing ever happened.

Now emotionally it's completely different. I have my good days and bad, and even in my good days I have bad moments. There are no words to describe what it's like to be so beyond happy one day and feel completely empty the next. I have dealt with depression in my past so I know what it feels like, and while I do feel down, I don't think I'm going back down that dark path. Because of my amazing God, husband, family and friends I have the strength and courage I never had before. 

So of course the dreaded question was asked... What's the next step? 
We definitely want to started trying again right away. And luckily my doctor is on bored with that. She wants us to wait 4 weeks total til we can have sex again ( so only 2 more weeks) and 2 cycles til we start ttc. While I wish we didn't have to wait almost 3 months I know it's what is best. She's upping my folic acid (which should help with future complications) and I'm starting back my metformin and continuing my prenatal and juice plus. She did mention started Clomid if my cycles don't return regularly. So in the mean time I am just going to eat healthy and exercise (maybe I can drop a few more pounds)  

We did get the pathology back today and they don't think it was a chromosomal issue, just something that happened, which is good news but doesn't give us any closer. Because we decided to only send cord to pathology and have the baby cremated, we didn't get a full report. 

 My next appointment is July 2, 4 weeks away. I will update y'all then!

Saturday, May 31, 2014

The Worst Day

This post might get a little tmi/ graphic for some but this is my word for word account of what happened. 

Friday May 23rd, we went to dinner with a friend.  We left the restaurant around 9pm, we had stopped at QT and I went in to use the bathroom. I can't really describe what happened but I felt like something was wrong. I had a rather big clot come out and immediately started bleeding. As this was not my first time having this issue I didn't think to much of it just knew I needed to get home and lay down. 
We dropped our friend off at her house, drove to my parents to pick up my bag cause we were staying at my sisters that weekend while she was out of town. When we got to my sisters around 10 I got ready for bed and laid down. At this point I was still bleeding and was starting to get some slight pain, which was new, I never had pain with the last two episodes. I ended up falling asleep for a bit but woke L up at 12, I had bleed through the pad I was wearing and the pain was worse. I knew it was time to go to the ER.

May 24th 2014 

As we drove to the ER I called my Ob's office and the night operator called the on call doctor. Once we got to the hospital at 12:45 am, L dropped me off at the front door and I went to check in. I don't remember how long we waited til they actually got me a room, I just know it felt like forever and the pain just kept getting worse. I remember telling L that they would come and go and felt like what I thought a contraction might feel like.

Once they got me back into the room, they took blood and urine, then after I told the nurse what all had happened and how I was feeling they took my back for an ultrasound. L wasn't allowed with me and it was really scarey cause I had no clue what was going on.

After the ultrasound they wheeled me back into my room for I don't know how long and then came to get me to do a pelvic exam. At this point every time I had a contraction instead of blood it was now a more pinkish watery substance that came out. (we did determine later that this was actually my "water" that had broke sometime after my ultrasound)
My nurse and original doctor went to go get another doctor, as I waited that's when I found out that my ultrasound looked normal so they couldn't figure out what was going on. When the second doctor came she noticed what I believe she said was membrane and immediately said I needed to get up to Labor and Delivery and they called my Ob.

I remember going back into my room and L looked at me 
and I just shook my head and started to cry. 

At 4:18am I gave birth to our precious baby boy with just me and Liridon in the room.

We were in L&D for less than 30 mins when I gave birth.
Most of it is a blur now but I remember being in the worst pain I have ever been in, the nurses asking me questions and trying to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler.
It was sudden and fast and painful, they came in and took him away, and I just laid there crying.

 I feel the most broken I have ever felt in my life. To have the one thing in the world you want more than anything taken from you at such an early and unexpected time. I don't wish this pain on anyone. I know deep in my heart that as the days go on the pain will be less and less but right now as I sit here in my moms office at 2:30 in the morning typing this with tears rolling down my face and the sound of my husband sleeping in the next room. I welcome the pain cause I don't know how else to feel.

Charles Grant Hajrizi I love you more than you'll ever know. I know our time together was short but I wouldn't change those 19 weeks for anything in this world. Mommy and Daddy love you Monkey.

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Blur In Between

This is alot of random info but it kinda gives you an idea of what had been going on.

Afternoon of March 24th. I had just gotten home from my blood work and I began to bleed, it only lasted a few mins but Liridon rushed home and I called my Ob. They prescribed me progesterone cause my levels were low and scheduled me to see the on call doctor in the morning. I just slept all day.

The 25th we went in and had an ultra sound and got to see and hear our baby for the first time. Everything was fine, they didn't know why I had bleed and they scheduled me another appointment to see my actually doctor the following week.

Saturday March 29th we ended up telling my in-laws that we were pregnant because of some drama at L's birthday party and I was getting all worked up. They were over the moon happy. (that was actually the first time my father in law has ever told me he loved me)

 April 12th my in laws surprised us by coming to Chattanooga to help us move back home to Monroe. Since I couldn't do much it was so much help. We put all of our stuff in a storage unit and stayed at my parents.

Sunday April 13th we had gotten home from church. I was standing on the back porch at my parents house watching Liridon cut the grass. I suddenly started bleeding again. I called for Liridon and went up stairs to lay down and take a nap.

 The following week on the 17th I had my last appointment with my amazing Ob in Chattanooga, luckily me and the hubs were both off work that week so we drove back up 75 one last time. At 14 weeks along we were hoping to maybe find out what the gender was, we knew it was early.
 I could tell something was off in the ultrasound. As we waited in the examination room for my doctor I just got more nervous but didn't let on to Liridon. when she finally came in she got straight to the point. She of course started out with the worst but at the end she said she believed it was just fluid on the brain and scheduled me an appointment with a specialist that day. So we left the office not really knowing what to think and drove to the specialist. That was probably the worst experience I've ever had with a doctor, the ultrasound tech made me very uncomfortable physically and the doctor was just very harsh. We left there that day with no answers and I slept most of the way home as Liridon drove. Over the next couple days I came to term with as long as this baby has a heartbeat and I felt fine then this was all going to be okay.

Sunday April 20th Easter. We finally told my mom and older sister D that I was pregnant. We did fill them in on the complications we were having. They were happy and supportive.

Friday May 2nd I spent the night at my Twin sister house and told her I was pregnant, this is the one person I was most scared to tell because she and her husband have been trying for a while with no luck. She was actually excited and we stayed up talking about baby stuff.

On Tuesday May 6th I had my first appointment with my new Ob here in GA. Everything seemed good, we were hoping to find out the sex but they just did the doppler to check the heart beat, they mostly were just looking for history. 
On the 12th they called and told me that they scheduled my 20 week anatomy ultrasound on the 27th at the specialist office, because they had better machines to see more since something hit on my last blood work and I'm guessing they probably got my records from my ob in Chattanooga. 

Sunday May 11th Mothers Day
I was enjoying my first unofficial mothers day, we were talking about finding out what the baby was, and what everyone thought it might be. Planning the gender reveal party that we would have June 1st.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Best Day

The last time I posted on here I was feeling broken, but it's nothing compared to how I feel now.

Back in January at the time I was feeling low cause we had been trying for over a year to get pregnant. Little did I know I was actually pregnant at the time I wrote that. I wouldn't find out til almost 2 month later.

 Come March I was not feeling all that well but didn't think anything of it because ever since we started ttc things had been off. I laid awake in bed one Wednesday night and started to add up all the symptoms I was having and actually convinced myself that I was crazy, there was no way I was pregnant. I woke up early that Thursday morning, got ready for work, did my makeup, brushed my teeth and immediately threw up.  The whole day I was at work I couldn't get that mornings events out of my head, I just kept thinking how odd it was cause I never just get randomly sick. As I drove home I talked myself into stopping at CVS to get hpt. I told myself I wouldn't take it til the morning to make sure I got a better read.

March 21, 2014 The Best Day
For once that Friday morning when my alarm went off I jumped out of bed, grabbed my hpt I hid from the hubs and ran to the bathroom, it was about 8am and I did my business, put the cap on the test and laid it on the counter to wait the allocated number of minutes, but I didn't have to wait long cause before I could turn to leave the room (cause nothing is more stressful than standing staring at the test) this little blue plus started to show.

The fist test
 I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't believe after all this time that I could actually be pregnant. I ended up taken a picture and texting one of my best friends. She was excited but told me to get a pink dye test or a digital to be sure.  So when I left work that afternoon I stopped at CVS again and bought 2 more 2 packs of test. I got home around 3pm and immediately took 2 test. You guessed it they both came back positive pretty fast. I had actually called my ObGyn when I was at work to set up an appointment on Monday to come in for blood work to confirm.

It happened to be a week before the hubs birthday and I was going to try and wait to tell him then but I'm horrible at keeping secrets from him. I decided to take all three test I had taken that day and a little baby onesie that I had bought actually a while ago and put them in a black decorative box I have. When he got home that evening from work I set up the camera in the living room of our house and told him to sit down cause I wanted to give him one of his presents early. I then handed him the box, it took him a second to get it but when he finally did I have never seen him more happy.

Over the next couple days I took 2 more test and then had my positive blood work done on Monday

Monday, January 27, 2014


As I lay here in our cold, dark room alone with tears streaming down my face I have never felt more broken. What do you do when you can't give the person you love the most the one thing in the world they want more than anything? It hits me out of nowhere sometimes and I just cry. There are some days when I can't bare to get out of bed cause I feel like such a giant failure as a wife and a women. I'm at my breaking point, I don't know what to do...